Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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