peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
