That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
