In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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