If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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