1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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