i wish my penis had a tongue
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
