so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
