You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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