I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
