the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
