So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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