Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
