omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
