Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My ATM looks so different sober.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
