just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
two words...techno handjob
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Houston, we have a squirter
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just had sex on a roof
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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