News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
