The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
