No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize