My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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