marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
