I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
