so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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