I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
