you traded sex for a burrito?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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