You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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