If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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