Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
