If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you traded sex for a burrito?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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