I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
