True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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