then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
