angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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