I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
