Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
