And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
