New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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