I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
