I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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