So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
