I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
