did you get engaged???
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
