If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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