I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
