Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
