There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
