My liver just broke up with me...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
