I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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