New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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