Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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