worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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