my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
