At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
