your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
