He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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