As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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