my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
