so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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