But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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