Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
