i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
