So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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