My sheets look like a crime scene.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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