I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
