what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize