Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
