Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
