morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
