and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
