just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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