I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
